Feeling guilty about my feelings

Ok, so let me preface this by saying that I might sound a bit whiny and ungrateful in this post, but I'm not going to apologize for it for two reasons:

1) It's my blog and I can whine if I want to (sang to the tune of the oldies song "It's My Party.")  :P
2) This is really the only place I can whine....what I'm about to whine about isn't exactly public knowledge to my analog friends. 

As many of you know, the Grouper and I are trying to have a baby (to my new reader Otin-welcome, by the way--and any other males or readers who don't get mushy gushy about this stuff, I apologize and fully understand if you want to stop reading now.  I'm not going to go all TMI Thursday on you or anything, don't worry.)

I've really only been off of the pill since the end of May, so I shouldn't be freaking out or upset at all, but as I've mentioned previously, I swear to all things holy that all I see are pregnant women and that at least half of the people I know are pregnant or have just had a baby. 

Example 1:  The Grouper and I went to IKEA a couple weeks ago.  In the 1 hour I was in the store, I saw 12 extremely pregnant women.  This was when I still had hope that last month would be the month.  In my mind, I just kept thinking, "Is this a joke?"  It's the same thing when I go to the mall or the zoo, or when I read celebrity news or watch commercials on TV.  They all seem to relate to babies or pregnancy.

Example 2:  There are 6 people pregnant or who have just had babies at work.  One just told me today that his wife is pregnant again, and he said, "yeah, it was totally an accident, we didn't really want another one, I just didn't pull out in time."  He's excited, but I can't believe he said things like that.  It just is like sticking a dagger in my back and twisting it....and yet I'm supposed to be happy for them and not feel these pangs of anger and jealousy when he makes comments about it like it's such a non-chalant thing?  Then he says, "Yeah, my wife said you have to hurry up and get pregnant now so that you two can be on mat leave together."  What am I supposed to say to that?  I just shrugged and forced a smile.

Example 3:  As I mentioned yesterday, my sister-in-law called last week to tell us that she is pregnant with her fourth child.  She said they weren't really sure they wanted another, so they'd leave it in God's hands and try for a couple months and if she got pregnant, it was meant to be.  She got pregnant in their first month and she's due on Valentine's Day.  It was all I could do to be excited for her, and I feel terrible for feeling that way.  It's not fair to her and the first thought that I SHOULD have had was that I'm excited to have another member of the family, not that I'm jealous.  But then the first thing she said was, "OK, now you have to hurry up and get pregnant so we can be pregnant together!  I'm waiting!"

What more can I do?  I am trying so hard not to stress out, but it's becoming almost impossible between the crazy work environment, the fact that our tenant is broke and will most likely have to leave our house, the fact that we have no idea what the next few months hold for us, and it's stressful enough trying to do all the right things healthwise to try and get pregnant...and the fact that people just keep reminding me that I'm not is really starting to get to me.  My mom tried to have kids for nine years before she got pregnant with me....not only does it lurk in the back of my mind that I could have problems too, I also can't imagine how she must have felt having to deal with all of this same type of stuff for 9 years...I'm freaking out after 2 months.

I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that our time will come, but it's just hard right now.  And it puts me in a foul mood.

I do feel better after dumping all of this on this page, though.  Thanks to the two of you that probably are still reading.  :)