A New Day

First of all, I want to thank every single one of you for your thoughts and prayers over the past couple of days.  It is nice to know that when you're going through something like this, there are people who care enough to take the time to acknowledge your loss and let you know they're thinking of you.  I'm going to apologize in advance--this may be a bit of a long post, so if you don't want to read all the way through it, I completely understand.  Rumor has it, though, that writing is therapeutic, (DUH) so here goes:

Support systems are so important---and the blogosphere is one of my main ones, especially now. I didn't want to tell a bunch of analog people in my life that I was pregnant until later on--and now I realize that the Grouper and I made the right decision.  Aside from losing the baby itself, the single hardest thing about the past few days was when I had to tell my parents that I was no longer expecting their first grandchild.  I think this was so hard because the looks on their faces when I told them the good news initally were so priceless and they were SO excited.  I don't want them to worry about me, especially when it's about things that none of us can control.  I was very proud of myself that I was able to tell them and talk about things without crying.  I actually haven't cried since Sunday.

The whole thing has been such a blur.  I'll try to recap without going into super gory details.

It started late Friday night with just a bit of spotting.  Although some of that is normal, I knew right away that something was wrong.  Poor Grouper was downstairs on the internet reading stuff aloud to me while I laid upstairs in bed bawling my eyes out.  Even though I was so upset, it was pretty hilarious to hear him yelling words about the female anatomy out loud (he normally avoids those at all costs).

Saturday morning it became a little worse. When I wrote the post on my blog, I was basically in shock.  I did a lot of staring at the walls when we were at our house on Saturday.  I couldn't really do anything, so Grouper forced me to get out of the house and stop sitting around thinking about it.  We went over to my brother-in-law's house on Saturday for the day.  His wife recently had a miscarriage, so I was able to talk to her about the symptoms I was having and she basically had the exact same issues as I did and she was at the exact same point in her pregnancy as I was.  She was very understanding and supportive and she calmed me down a lot.

By Sunday I was almost positive that it was done.  I wasn't feeling terrible, so I knew I didn't really need to go to the ER or anything, and we went back to my BIL's house for dinner.   Having normal conversations with them and seeing my nephews really helped....in fact, I almost was able to forget about what was going on.  It was weird, it was almost like a switch flipped.  I didn't feel pregnant anymore.  All of the symptoms I had been having--supersonic smelling powers, enhanced chesticles, being bloated....they were all gone.  And I thought about how many people who have had to go through things that are so much worse....and I was ok.

Grouper was so cute on Monday morning when we woke up.  At first I didn't really want to get out of bed, so I laid there for quite a while.  I rolled over and he was looking at me with the cutest look on his face.  I said, "What are you doing?"  He said, "Being your support group...or should I say, "Support Grouper!"  He's so cute and can make me laugh even when I'm feeling terrible.  I called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning and she got me in around 2pm.  She did an exam and an internal ultrasound (once again, the poor Grouper got WAYYYYY too much information and saw WAYYY too much of what goes on in an OB office) and said that there was no baby anymore and that hopefully the bleeding would go away soon.  The good news she had was that there aren't any problems with any of my lady business, so there's no reason that we shouldn't be able to start trying again soon once I have a normal cycle.  She said it is very common (believe me, this I know--there are SO many people I know who have gone through this) and that all I can do is try again.  She couldn't believe how calm I was and that I hadn't called her emergency number.  I told her that I was already pretty sure that I knew what was happening, I was pretty sure I wasn't having any complications, and I knew that there wasn't going to be too much she could do about it, so I just waited.  My doctor is so great.  I love her.  If this was going to happen, it actually happened in the best way possible---it was on the weekend, we were at our house in Michigan, and I got to see my OWN doctor (the alternative would have been that I would have been in Canada, away from family, and I would have had to see a doctor at a walk-in clinic who I don't know).

The nurse took some blood yesterday to test my HCG levels, and I got the results today.  The number is low, but they want to follow the number all the way back down to zero to make sure that everything cleared out on its own and that my hormones are getting back to normal.  I have to find a lab here in the Toronto area to do that for me, and I have to get that done tomorrow.  I'm honestly ready to just move on.  I know there are going to be some emotions to deal with, but once I get done with all this bleeding and with the blood tests, it will be so much easier.

Tassels has been great through this, too.  I told her I was pregnant right away and she and a couple others were really awesome this weekend when I was freaking out.  I talked to her every day and she is coming to see me on Friday, so that will be some much deserved (and definitely MUCH NEEDED and eight months' overdue) girl time in store.  She and I both agree that it is not coincidence that she is coming to see me this weekend---it's FATE.

Bottom line--I'm ok with this.  Everyone has bumps in the road, and it totally sucks, but I'm so lucky to have great support systems and awesome people in my life.  I'm fortunate that nothing is really wrong with me and that Grouper and I now know for sure that we CAN get pregnant.  Now we just have to do it again!

The good news I alluded to no longer exists.

I was six weeks pregnant and I'm pretty sure I'm losing (or have already lost) the baby.  We're in Michigan right now and I'm going to try to get in to see my OB on Monday to confirm what my gut is already telling me.

I guess I didn't announce it for a reason, and I honestly don't know why I'm announcing it now.

All I know is that I'm numb, I'm angry, and I'm wishing that this was just a bad dream.

The problem is, I'm not waking up.

I know it was early, I know it was for the best because there was obviously something wrong, but that doesn't make this any easier.  It's all I've wanted for a long time, I had it for two weeks, and just like that, it's gone.

I may be pretty absent around here for a little while....I need to get my wits back.

Happy Hour Friday

• I am so SO happy for my friend the Optimisitic Pessimist. Last Sunday, she made her dream of running a marathon (and not just any marathon, the NEW YORK CITY MARATHON!) come true. It was so fun to follow along with her race on Google. I was cheering for her all the way, as were a bunch of our bloggy friends! Good job, OP!

There she is, mid race, getting a banana from her running partner. :)

Hope you don't mind me borrowing your picture, OP. :)

• I am happy that I got to go out to lunch with some of my friends from work yesterday. It's nice to get away from work and have real life conversations. Not only that, but we went to a diner that serves all-day breakfast, and my veggie omelet (did I spell that correctly?) with home fries and toast was A-mazing.
• I'm happy that the Colts and the Saints are still undefeated! It makes me happy when teams that I like do well! (Especially when one team is based in Indiana and the other team has a QB from my alma mater!) :)
• I am so excited that college basketball is starting up again, and even happier that I currently get the BIG TEN NETWORK for free on my cable in CANADA. That excites me so much, you don't even know.....am I a geek or what? I'm also happy that my Boilermakers are actually ranked this year. :)
• I'm really stoked about getting to listen to the first album by the Glee cast, which was released this week! I am hoping to crank it up tonight on our way to Michigan, but I don't know how the Grouper will feel about that.....
• I'm happy that I've finally started the baby blanket for my new niece or nephew (due in February). It looks awesome! It's going slowly, but I think it's going to look great!
• I'm really excited for one of my best friends, J, who has found a new guy. She has been through a lot of drama with her ex and she deserves to be happy....I think this new guy just may be the solution! I can't wait to meet him!
• I am happy that the sun is shining this morning. Much better than the snow we had yesterday!
• I AM BEYOND HAPPY that Tassels is coming to Toronto in ONE WEEK! I haven't seen her since March (that's the longest we've gone without seeing each other since we've been friends) and she will be my first visitor who is not a family member in the two years that I've been here. We are going to have so much fun!
• I have some other things I'm happy about, but I don't want to get too excited just yet because nothing's for sure, so I'll save those for another Friday!

Go visit Bambi and Otin for more Happy Hour fun!

I just had to share....

I found this picture via Home Sweet Home, who found it here.

Isn't it just SO COOL?!?!?! I think it's the most interesting photo I've seen in a while. Now THAT is vision.

Writer's Workshop

As my life has been one continuous loop of "same shit, different day" lately, I feel as though my blogging has suffered. As usual, I can count on Mama Kat to stir up some great WW topics! The topic I chose today:

Tell me your most humorous wedding experience.

Mine actually took place at my very own wedding, believe it or not. People often ask, "So, what went wrong at YOUR wedding? Everyone has some disaster of sorts." Well, I didn't have anything go "wrong" at my wedding at all, I just had one hilarious thing happen that no one will ever forget. (I was going to put in a picture of the perpetrator here, but the site that has the photos is blocked on my work computer. Drat.)

As most people do, I chose to have a ring bearer and flower girls. My five year old nephew was the ring bearer. He is so sweet....and very mature for his age. Ok, now you have part of the preface. He is one of three children, so their family always seems to be running a bit late, and they were late to the rehearsal. Since everything was such a whirlwind the night before the wedding, I forgot to bring the ring bearer's pillow to the rehearsal. My nephew is very serious about tasks he is given, so I knew right then that I had probably doomed him, because he is very deliberate and likes to get everything exactly right. He was already a funk because they showed up to the rehearsal late, so everyone in the wedding party was looking at him, and then when he found out he didn't have the ACTUAL PILLOW, well....I knew that the likelihood of him walking down the aisle on my wedding day had just diminished. And I was fine with that. In my opinion, kids are in weddings for the "cuteness factor," and they shouldn't be expected to be on their best behavior when they have hundreds of people staring at them.

Anywhoodle, the big day came. It was gorgeous weather. I even let my nephew choose whether he wanted to walk down the aisle before the flower girls or before me, hoping that if I made him feel like a part of it, he'd be a bit more excited about walking. He chose to walk out right before me. His dad told him right before he walked, "Just pretend that you have a football and that you have to get it down to mommy (who was a bridesmaid) in the endzone." We thought the sports analogy would work since he's so obsessed with sports. Well, it worked, alright. He took the pillow, started to walk, stopped after about 5 steps, and punted it into the bushes. Then he picked it up and started throwing it down the aisle. I honestly don't know if he got picked up and carried the rest of the way or what happened--the rest is a blur, but everyone was laughing so hard. I thought it was hilarious. The only regret I have is that no one got it on camera. The bad thing was, afterwards, my poor nephew was completely embarrassed and mortified. He told my MIL that "he didn't deserve to eat" at my reception and that he ruined Aunt Gidget and Uncle Grouper's wedding. We only have one picture of him in any of the wedding party pictures (which was taken before the ceremony) because he was so upset that he didn't want to be in any of the pictures. We talked to him later and made sure he knew we weren't upset with him.

A year later, I can't even tell you how many people have come up to me and mentioned that little incident. They all thought it was hysterically funny. I haven't asked my nephew about it lately, I think it would probably still upset him if I brought it up--all I know is that I hope my son is the ring bearer at his wedding some day. Haha.

Darn you, swine flu...darn you to heck.

I'm so freaking sick (pardon the pun) of all of this swine flu pandemonium. 

It's all over the newspapers, they talk about it on the radio EVERY HOUR, online newspapers here have a special "swine flu" section. 

Ok, yes, I'm sure it can be serious, but I am so tired of the media hyping everything up to the point that it makes people scared to breathe.

This pandemonium is spreading around the office.

Case in point---I sit at the reception desk.  We have gone through a 500 mL container of hand sanitizer so quickly that it's not even funny.  People use it so much that it is probably going to become ineffective, if that's possible.  I'm halfway high from the smell throughout the day.....

There are even people walking around here wearing gloves because they are freaked out by touching the hand rails on the stairs or door knobs that other people have touched.

Ok, all of that being said.....in the midst of the pandemonium, some people are completely incapable of using COMMON SENSE. Yesterday, a woman who works here came in and said she had spent most of the day Sunday at the hospital with her 5 year old, who had flu-like symptoms.  The doctor only listened to her kid's chest, so she didn't ever find out if it was officially H1N1.  But she had not only potentially been exposed to her daughter, she had spent hours in the HOSPITAL, which is most definitely full of people with this flu.  So what does she do yesterday?  She comes to work and then tells everyone about her day on Sunday.  Before I know it, the whole office knows and is avoiding her like the plague.  The person who sits next to her moved offices because she's going on vacation next week and doesn't want to get it.  So I see potentially infected lady later in the day---and she's wearing gloves.  Next thing I know, she's going home sick.  The common sense thing to do would have been to maybe stay home a day, don't you think?  I mean, that's always the case, in my opinion.  If you're starting to feel sick and you work in a place like this where people are in close quarters, why would you expose everyone?  When I'm sick, I STAY HOME, swine flu pandemic or not.  It's that simple, people.

Or maybe it's rocket science and I missed the memo.

Let's talk music

So, I'm really bored and I've been listening to lots of music lately, so I'm going to **attempt** to make my own music meme/questionnaire....feel free to swipe it if you'd like. 

Favorite Band:  Guster
Favorite Female Solo Artist:  Ingrid Michaelson, duh.
Favorite Male Solo Artist:  Brad Paisley
Which genre of music do you listen to the most right now?  Country (take that, all you analog Canucks who call me a redneck--I AM! So there!)
First concert?  Cher with Cyndi Lauper at Deer Creek, Indianapolis
Most recent concert? Ingrid Michaelson with Greg Holden, Toronto
Favorite concert ever? Kid Rock with Lynyrd Skynyrd, Toronto 
Who have you seen in concert the most?  How many times?  Guster---5 times
First CD you ever owned?  Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette
Most recently purchased CD?  Far, Regina Spektor
What was your "song" with your first love?  "I Belong to You" by Lenny Kravitz
What is/was your "song" with your current/most recent significant other? "Me and You" by Kenny Chesney (it's the song we danced to at our wedding)
Best break-up CD?  Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson...I listened to it DAILY for the entire summer of 2004
CD or CD's that never get old? Kid Rock's Rock n' Roll Jesus, Zac Brown Band's The Foundation, Guster's Ganging Up on the Sun, any Ingrid Michaelson CD!
What song makes you laugh every time you hear it?  "Nymphomaniac"....but I don't know who sings it.  If you haven't heard it, find it and listen to it.  It's hilarious. 
If you've ever sang karaoke, what is your signature song?  Um......"Baby Got Back"
Did you have a class song in high school??  If so, what was it?  "The Dance" by Garth Brooks  (I think that was probably everyone's!)
What is the first song on your iPod if you randomly press play?  "Are you that Somebody?" by Aaliyah
What song on your iPod is the most played?  It's a tie between three Ingrid Michaelson songs...go figure.
Song guaranteed to make you cry on almost any given day?  "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles
Most annoying song ever?  The I Love You song from Barney....gag me with a spoon.
Favorite new song?  "I Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum
If you're listening to music right now, what song is playing?  "Got a Lot of Leavin Left to Do,"  Dierks Bentley
Are there any songs with really tough lyrics that you can recite by heart?  Which ones?  I can do "Ain't Goin' Down Til the Sun Comes Up" by Garth Brooks and "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies nearly verbatim.  There are also a couple of really terrible rap songs I can do....."Can I Get A...." by Jay-Z (it's so vulgar) and "My Way" by Usher.  And I've already mentioned "Baby Got Back."  Mwahahaha.
Favorite old school TV theme song?  I have two.  The All in the Family theme song and the Green Acres theme song.
Favorite Christmas song?  Once again, I have two.  "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters and "When My Heart Finds Christmas" by Harry Connick, Jr.
Favorite MUSICal?  It's a tie between Annie and White Christmas.

So, was this totally boring, or does anyone else wanna play?  If you do, email me or comment here so I know to go check it out!

Happy Hour Friday

I'm joining in on the Friday tradition of Otin and RxBambi once again.....it's HAPPY HOUR FRIDAY!

• I'm happy that the big race is finally here for my blog love, The Optimistic Pessimist, and I CANNOT wait to track her results on Sunday and hear all about the big day!  Good luck, OP!
• I'm happy, as always, that it's Friday and I've made it through another week (almost)!
• I'm happy that I got to spend the whole night with my Grouper before he left late last night for Michigan.  Best part of this is that he took Delilah with him, so not only did I get to spread out in our king sized bed last night, but I almost got to wake up on my own terms this morning!  :)  His alarm is quite annoying.
• I'm happy that my car is already packed up and that I get to leave work a bit early today to drive back to Michigan to meet up with Grouper!  Not only that, but we have a baby shower at work today for a co-worker, and I made some booties and mittens, so I'm happy that I get to give away a handmade gift!  Always fun!
• I'm happy that my parents are also meeting up with us for the weekend to hang out--it's my mom's birthday today, so we're taking her out to dinner, and I have THE.BEST.PRESENT.EVER. for her.  Very creative, I think.  It's an awesome photo album that I personalized for her!
• I'm happy that we'll get to give candy to trick-or-treaters at our HOUSE this year, not our apartment, and I'm happy that we're heading over to a bonfire with a lot of our friends that we haven't see for a while.
• I'm happy that the holiday season is getting closer...I love spending time with friends and family!
• I'm happy that you stopped by today to read my list!  :)  Happy Friday!

Up in the Air

I feel like so much of my life is up in the air right now.

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Grouper says that I should appreciate this time in our lives, because one of these days, we're going to be settled wherever we end up and thinking back to the times when our lives were adventurous and exciting and we didn't really have too many responsibilities.

My take on it--and I feel like a freaking broken record, because it seems like I've written posts like this before, but I can't help it--is that I'm ready to settle down.  I'm ready to be in OUR house, not an apartment.  I'm ready to be closer to our families.  I'm ready to start my own family. This time in Canada has been great; an experience I'll never regret and something that I've definitely learned from and grown a lot from doing.  I've met people that I never would have otherwise met.  I've been places that a lot of people don't get the opportunity to visit.

But it's time to move on.  To move home.  And if I hear Grouper say, "I'm just waiting to see what happens with (insert the excuse work catastrophe of the week here)  before I talk to anyone" one more time, I think I'm going to scream.  He's so calm, so patient, so level-headed.  But you know what?  Sometimes being that way leads to being taken advantage of, and that is what's going on now, and it needs to stop.  The problem is, he can't see that, or if he can, he doesn't care, because regardless of how he's being treated, the most important thing for him is getting the job done right.  And when I make comments to him about any of it, I'm not regarded as his co-worker (even though I'm speaking to him as a co-worker when I say something about WORK), I'm the just the wife.  And he thinks I'm an overly concerned wife sometimes, so he won't listen.

Frustrating, I tell ya.

In other news, I'm thinking of maybe going to see the Michael Jackson movie after work today.  If I don't go tonight, I'm going to go next Thursday.......I'm kind of excited. :)

Know-it-alls can blow-it-all & escapades with self-centered, lazy sloths.

Some people say that I'm patient and that I can be too nice sometimes--to the point where I can be taken advantage of.  Those people don't know me very well.  I prefer to think of myself as a quiet observer who knows when to keep her mouth shut.

My work environment as of late has been less than desirable.  Everyone here feels as though they are over-worked, and there has been a reduction in force this year which has caused many people to be burdened given more responsibilities.  For example, I currently do work on a regular basis for 4 different departments.  Three people got fired are no longer with the company, and I was given the majority of their workload in addition to my own.  Is this situation ideal?  Absolutely not.  But it wasn't completely unexpected, and I don't really have a choice, so I just do my job and bitch about it sometimes and mind my own business. 

But I'm getting off track.  My point here is that in this new responsibility I was given last week, I have had various encounters with people who really think that they know EVERYTHING.  I mean, the kind of people who if they're standing in front of a blue wall and I tell them it's blue, they argue with me just for the sake of arguing and don't budge in their opinion, no matter if they can be proven wrong with physical evidence.

And then there are the people who have taken the time to waste five minutes to call me to come do something upstairs at my desk because my home department is "short-staffed" (with six people, give me an F-ing break) because I'm doing something else.  In the five minutes that said co-worker wasted by calling me to ask me to do something (the task involved opening a template, changing one name and the date and pushing PRINT), she could have just used those five minutes to do it HERSELF. 

In addition, there are people I deal with who stop by to do work and think that it is pertinent to tell me their entire life story, their views on why they think that LAWS are stupid ("my family has been here 400 years.  This building is built on MY land."), and other useless crap that I could care less about.

Then there are the people who NEVER want to take responsibility for anything and are masters at the game of finger-pointing at others, as long as the heat isn't on them.  I just get upset with people like that...I mean, have a little pride, and if it's something you're involved in, take some interest.  My dad always says, "If it's not done right, it's not worth doing."  I AGREE.  WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
And I haven't even mentioned the morons that my poor husband deals with on a daily basis.  He comes home so frustrated and that's so hard for me to see because I am here, too, and I understand a lot of how he's feeling, and I know how hard he works and he gets no support in return.  There are specific situations I could go into, but I won't bore you.  All I know is that he deserves better, and that I'm hoping he has enough soon and we can just get transferred back to the states. 

Ok, rant over.